In Scripture, love and boundaries are two sides of the same coin. From Eden to Joseph to Jesus’ teachings, God uses boundaries to protect freedom, honour covenants, and form character. If you follow Christ, you don’t guess where the lines are, you choose them, together, for love.
What Are Boundaries in Dating and Marriage?
Boundaries are the rules and limits you willingly place on yourself for the sake of love, toward God, your spouse/fiancé, and your community. They’re not cages. They’re guardrails that keep you free.
Think of a child and a car. A seven-year-old can’t handle the wheel; the “no” is loving. Same spiritually: God’s “no” is protective, not punitive (Genesis 2:16–17). When you respect the line, you choose God, and you choose each other, again and again.
Big idea: Every boundary is an act of love.
The Bible’s Pattern: Love + Limits
Eden: A Loving “No” (Genesis 2:15–17)
God gives Adam access to abundance, “of every tree you may freely eat” and then one loving limit. Choosing obedience daily was choosing God. Boundaries preserved freedom.
Joseph: Trust with a Line (Genesis 39)
Joseph manages everything in Potiphar’s house “except his wife.” Clear boundary. His answer to temptation wasn’t “How far can I go?” but “How can I do this great wickedness and sin against God?” Boundaries honor God before they protect reputation.
Jesus: The Higher Standard (Matthew 5)
The New Covenant raises the bar from behaviour to heart; anger can murder; lust can commit adultery in the heart. Translation: boundaries start in your thoughts long before they reach your actions.
Marriage: One Flesh, One Priority (Matthew 19:3–9; Genesis 2:24)
Marriage creates a new primary earthly relationship. “Leave” and “cleave” is both physical and psychological. The covenant requires and deserves clear lines.
Freedom Myth: “Boundaries bind me.
No, they keep you free. The serpent’s lie was, “God’s line limits you.” Reality: they were already like God. Boundaries don’t make you holy; they preserve holiness. They don’t earn love; they protect it.
Practical Christian Boundaries (Dating & Marriage)
Use these as your shared rulebook. The goal isn’t legalism. It’s clarity, so love can breathe.
1) Boundaries in Thoughts
Watch the inner dialogue. Jesus locates purity at the level of imagination (Matthew 5:27–28).
Reset fast. When a thought crosses a line, redirect: pray, replace, move.
Feed the right fire. Your inputs (shows, socials, DMs) become your thoughts; your thoughts become your habits.
2) Boundaries in Words
Words steer outcomes (Deut. 30:19; Prov. 18:21).
Bless your spouse/fiancé in public and private.
Don’t vent sensitive marital issues to outsiders. If you need counsel, agree together on safe, wise people (pastor/mentor/therapist) and the scope of sharing.
3) Opposite-Sex Friendships & “Besties”
After marriage, one flesh = one filter. Any opposite-sex “best friend” must be a friend of both of you, or it’s a boundary leak.
Disclosure > secrecy. If it must be hidden, it shouldn’t be happening.
4) In-Laws & Living Arrangements
“Leave and cleave” is holistic: physical, emotional, financial, spiritual.
If circumstances force proximity, create a household policy together (visits, chores, childcare, spending, tone). Present united rules kindly and early.
5) Physical Boundaries While Dating
Aim to honor God and protect clarity. It’s a slippery slope: decide your lines together before the moment.
Stay on the lower rungs of physical intimacy (e.g., brief, appropriate affection). Anything that stirs arousal consistently is not “neutral.”
Replace push-pull with purpose: pray together, plan, prophesy your future, build skill (communication, finance, conflict resolution).
6) Public Display of Affection (PDA) & Social Media
Balance expression with privacy. Not everything belongs online.
Red flag: If only heaven and the angels know you’re dating, that’s not romance, that’s the secret service. The people that matter should know.
7) Quality Time Is the Currency of Marriage
Nations defend what is valuable; marriages need structures too. Prioritize protected time, especially in the first year. Careers and extended family shouldn’t crowd it out.
How to Set Boundaries in Marriage as a Christian (Simple Framework)
Name the value. “We want a Christ-centered, transparent, joyful relationship.”
Define the line. Specific, measurable, mutual. (“No private DMs with exes. Any sensitive conversations with the opposite sex happen in shared spaces or group chats.”)
Agree the consequence. Not punishment, repair. (“If a line is crossed, we disclose within 24 hours, pause contact, and debrief with our mentor.”)
Review often. People and seasons change. Revisit lines quarterly.
Ask for grace, not loopholes. The goal isn’t “How far can we go?” but “How close can we stay to God and each other?”
Common Questions
Q: Is sex before marriage ever okay if we’re committed?
A: No. Commitment without covenant confuses the heart and muddies discernment. Reserve sex for marriage; protect clarity now to enjoy freedom later.
Q: Can I keep my opposite-sex best friend after marriage?
A: Only if your spouse is truly comfortable and the friendship becomes a friendship with both of you. Secrecy is the tell.
Q: How early should in-laws stay over or live with us?
A: Case-by-case. But especially early on, prioritize couple bonding. If co-living is necessary, codify house rules together and communicate them kindly.
Q: Where do we draw lines with kissing and touching while dating?
A: Decide ahead of time, together, and err on the side of spiritual clarity. If it awakens desire you can’t righteously fulfill, it’s not serving you.
Q: How much of our relationship should be online?
A: Enough to be honest, not so much that you lose privacy. If your partner publicly celebrates everyone but never acknowledges you, have the conversation.
Red Flags That Your Boundaries Need Work
You hide chats, delete DMs, or use secret names.
You process marital frustrations with an opposite-sex confidant rather than your spouse/mentor.
Your “we” time is consistently bumped by work, ministry, or family emergencies.
“It’s not that bad…” has become your moral compass.
You avoid defining lines because you prefer plausible deniability.
If one or more of these hit home, that’s your nudge: pause, reset, realign.
A Pastoral Nudge
Some of what you inherited, parents’ wounds, culture’s scripts, friends’ cautionary tales, doesn’t belong in your marriage. You’ve been reborn. Don’t carry second-hand offenses into a first-rate covenant. Choose God. Choose each other. Daily.
Action Steps (Start This Week)
Couples: Book a 45-minute clarity session to map your boundary plan and communication rules.
Singles/Dating: Write your Boundary Covenant (values, lines, accountability). Share it with a trusted mentor.
Ready to set healthy, biblical boundaries that protect love instead of policing it? Book a Clarity Session with Dr. Dami to design your personalized boundary plan and strengthen your relationship foundation.
